Embarrassed to Death

Since when is death preferable to embarrassment? Is getting embarrassed really the end of the world? Take the Chinese gymnastics coach, for example, who said he would "jump off the highest building" if his solemn team of gymnasts didn't take home more gold than last time. No wonder those boys never smile. A fall off the high bar becomes a life-and-death situation. Lucky for all of them, they won, because cleaning up that mess (physically and psychologically) would take a while.

The Chinese are big on avoiding diu lian (losing face) at any cost. They would rather tell you they will come to something they have no intention of ever attending than say no. It's a culture that takes a lot of finesse to navigate. Embarrassing someone or making them lose face is probably the worst sin imaginable. It's a cultural phenomenon that runs exactly counter to the American preference for almost rude straightforwardness. I'm pretty sure if you put a New Yorker and a Chinese person in a room together for a week somebody is going to die of embarrassment. And it won't be the New Yorker.

But in nearby countries, a much darker and more egregious interpretation of this shame-based philosophy is in the news lately. Called "honor killing" a relative, usually a father or a brother, kills a woman for some behavior they think will shame the family. From refusing to succumb to a distasteful arranged marriage to being the victim of sexual assault, it's a putative measure, practiced mostly in the Middle East, brought against a female who is perceived to have brought dishonor to the family. Sometimes even the other family members look the other way thinking it may be impossible for another girl in the family to make a good marriage if a "shamed" girl has not been adequately punished.

The fact that this fear of being shamed is on this level is astounding and heartbreaking. To place honor above human life is impossible for me to understand. It of course requires an acceptance of violence against women, deep seated sexism, and a long-standing tradition of women as chattel. But if this is the most shocking and lurid of these practices it certainly makes me think that the other less egregious atrocities against women are more common than we even want to believe.

Surely any amount of shame or embarrassment is preferable.

You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself

If I could wish one thing for my nieces and nephews it would be to grow up without shame. It's an amazingly sensitive subject that makes me a little jumpy to explore. It's very edgy for me.

I guess I'm like a lot of people and I feel shame for feeling shame.

I started thinking about it after a short interaction I had with someone and after reading this article in the New York Times today. The article talks about whether doctors should lecture their patients about being overweight and it makes the point that people who are too heavy are already very aware of that fact. Because it's not a surprise revelation, making them feel shame about their weight is a shortsighted and ineffective approach. In fact, it will most likely have the opposite effect of the one intended, making the person feel even worse about themselves resulting in more self-loathing and self-destructive behavior.

Shame is such a harmful and agonizingly painful feeling. I think it's that harsh inner judge repeating the critical comments we have heard from others. Things like: "Why would you do such a thing." "What is wrong with you." "You should be ashamed of yourself."

And it's handy. As a discipline it works extremely well. Someone who has been shamed has the appropriately contrite reaction. The unacceptable behavior stops, replaced by blushing, head hanging and penitent acceptance. There is nothing like shame to keep someone in line.

I found myself using this technique myself recently (I'm ashamed to say) by asking someone how they could be so blasé about something. It wasn't a fair question and it was teeming with accusation and judgment. I wanted to immediately take it back, but it had already elicited the "correct" response and I was stuck with their reaction and my remorse.

I have been on the receiving end as well. I was publicly shamed by someone on an airplane to Hawaii recently and it's an experience that will stay with me for the rest of my life. But hand-in-hand with that excruciatingly painful experience came an incredible affirmation of the power one change agent can have.

As we deplaned, a woman caught up and walked with me to the baggage claim. She had heard what the other woman said to me on the plane and was kind and bold enough to tell me just how wrong she thought the other woman's comments were. "I know I wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue in your place," she said. "And I just want you to know that I thought her behavior was rude and unacceptable."

The tears I had been holding back from the bitterness of the first experience leaked out with this woman's kindness. That sour experience was immediately turned sweet and the lesson learned entirely different than it would have been otherwise. I'm indebted to her for both her compassion and for her poetic apologue. From that small experience we became friends and she even invited me to the North Shore for a home-cooked meal.

Her example is a roadmap through shame. I hope someday I can be that same agent of change with a gun to shame's head.