Don't Buy This

The following is a public service announcement. By taking my errors public, it is my sincere hope that I can save you, the grocery-buying public, from the egregious embarrassment of making these mistakes yourself.

First, never buy sugar-free hot fudge sauce. It's really a dark, shiny, melted-down plastic goo made to resemble a rich sauce for ice cream. This trick is doubly cruel because by labeling it fudge, this deceptively crafty manufacturer leaves you with the mistaken impression that it is some kind of chocolaty goodness. Just believe me when I tell you...it's not.





Second, never buy the frozen 5-pound bag of deluxe tiny green peas from Costco. You will never be able to use even a half pound of those green little BBs before they turn into bleached out, icy, pea raisins--not even if you buy the 5-pound bag of frozen carrots to go with them.

Third, never buy Absolut Pears vodka from Sweeden. Yes. I know the bottle is cute and it looks enticing, but it bears no resemblance to either vodka or pears and will only light your head on fire.


Fourth, never buy cocktail pep, smocked sausage sticks. "Who would?" you ask. Well, someone who is obviously craving that great smoky flavor of pork hearts, beef fat, and potassium and sodium nitrate. If you insist on disregarding my warning and buying them anyway, don't, under any circumstances, read the ingredient list.

Fifth, never buy a cat toy that chirps. It will never stop chirping no matter how dark and still the drawer is you put it in. And like a crazed bird stalker, the phantom chirp will increase exponentially in volume when you are walking quietly by in the dark at 2 a.m.

Okay. You can now go back to your regularly scheduled program already in progress.