There's No Place Like Wendover.

I’m wondering just exactly when you become one of those Wendover ladies. Do you sign up for the gig at the same time you sign up for your casino frequent-flyer card on the springy, yellow cord that tethers all the blue-haired ladies to the slot machines? Or do they give you the credentials the moment you step foot on the Wendover “fun” bus?

A more important question would probably be: do you know if you are one of those ladies? Or is that just one of those things you don't know you don't know?

I've commissioned my friend Kim to be the one to tell me to "step away from the slot machine" and forcibly drag me and my free cocktail out of there if I ever get close to joining the ranks of those terminally Wendover ladies. (Just for the record, Kim is much closer to becoming one of them than I am.)

So anyway...knowing I was stressed out, Kim decided a quick trip to smoke-bell-and-buzzer land would be just what I needed. So we packed our swimming suits and toothbrushes and headed to The Montego Bay.

That place put the swank in swanky.

Kim is so close to being one of those ladies that she got comped an electric blue, tropical paradise room with two king beds. We got mood lighting, our very own palm tree and dusky mirrors on two walls. I don't even want to think about what has gone on in that room.

Feeling pretty lucky, we skipped our way down to the casino. Kim has a theory about this certain progressive machine she wanted to test out and I was ready to pretend to gamble so I could take advantage of the open bar at the penny slots.

What I didn't know was that "Cocktails?" is really code for: "You are not in Utah any more, but the drinks are just as weak."

Just one of those weak drinks later I had already lost my whole stash of pennies and sat through a harsh tongue lashing and a lesson on casino etiquette from a couple of those ladies. It turns out that the "on-your-feet-lose-your-seat" rule most definitely does NOT apply to progressive, diamond, three-spin slots. Who knew?

I did learn a few new things from this trip though. I learned that just because it's a penny machine does not mean that you lose money slower. It just involves more math.

I learned that those ladies can play three machines at once while smoking with both hands and saving two machines for their mother-in-law.

And I learned that just because the pile of shrimp at the buffet is taller than you does not mean that you should try to eat your weight in seafood.

Oh, and I learned to never, ever, ever get one of those frequent-flyer casino cards. They are just pure trickery and lead only to becoming one of those ladies.